I had to edit this blog because I realized that many people would just take it as only 'My Random Thoughts' and not realize that I was blogging to get a point across to THEM. There, I said it. Now, if anyone is offended, STOP READING HERE. OK, I warned you. For those brave of heart, here goes.
There has been a trend, now, on my Facebook profile of people asking me about my life. Funny, this is a question that I would not word in quite this way. Also, it is a question that few people asked me when I first added their profiles to mine. Most of the time, I do not ask the same questions about my own life but I guess I am often in the moment of doing what needs to be done, not observing from an outside point of view what I am doing. At best, I will write, "How are you?", without actually expecting the person to go into detail about how they really are. Yet, how the person responds or does not respond tells me quite a bit about the person, and my actual relationship with them.
Now, I know, I created my Facebook profiles and my MySpace profiles. A total of over 2,500 people! "Wow! I'm rich!" :-)) That was said very tongue in cheek. And some people even have thousands of people on their profiles. I wonder if they get asked personal questions about their lives? Slowly, I see myself becoming ever more selective with my contacts. Some people have even reacted to this. Some take the Top Friend thing QUITE seriously, I see. Who knows, maybe I should consider their point of view and adapt to it? I believe that few of my Top Friends have considered mine: sometimes certain people mean something specific to me within a certain time frame and I celebrate this in the 'famous' Top Friends, but this does not necessarily mean that all of these people are and will always be the definitive 'TOP 8, 20, 35..." for me always. Sorry to burst a bubble. What if another person comes along and tops one of my Tops? What if some of those people do not have the Top Friends app or choose not to put me in their Tops? Does that make me any less Top to me? Well, I think you night see where I am going with this.
Maybe I should ease their contention by telling each person WHY I chose them as a Top Friend but, in fact, this issue does not arise on all of my profiles and I do not feel the need to explain myself at all times. Experience has taught me. Sometimes I just end up explaining myself into an even bigger hole.
My main Facebook profile, for example, is for networking, primarily with my music and entertainment biz contacts. In theory. In practice, most of the contacts and leads I get happen in real life, offline--I am one of those people who views what happens online as my virtual world and although I am no less real in this virtual world, I am fully aware that time and distance separate me from the majority of my online contacts. In many cases I only have a very superficial relationship with the majority of my online contacts, and even quite a few of my offline contacts, a by-product of the time I invest in my work. This is not what I prefer in my relationships, mind you. However, realistically, unless I get clear and consistent contact from someone both online and, at least, by telephone, I just cannot consider the person to be a close, personal friend or a contact that I am particularly (intimately or otherwise) involved with. That's just me.
In addition, I have also had marriage proposals, online and by telephone, er 'interesting' messages and photos sent to me that, logically, would border on TMI...well, even cross that boundary. Friends asking me about other online contacts instead of contacting these people themselves. Urgent money requests, prefaced by the comment that all of their other friends said no (first clue, maybe?). Certainly it should have been a clue to him. This was coming from a guy who had offered me a plane ticket to upstate NY the previous week, which I declined with a polite, "Maybe we should have a few more chats, first.", then he was in London the following week asking me for money. His listed occupation: Oil Consultant. Listed Net Income: $250,000 USD. Apparently, his company could not get the required funds to him quickly enough. ;-), The money requests, actually, were surprising considering the fact that on that specific profile, I had presented a very specific list, OK it was a paragraph, of what I did not want. NO REQUESTS FOR MONEY was one of the top five 'do not ask me for's'.
No, I am not going into too much detail, in an effort to protect the innocent, but maybe I SHOULD go into detail. Not enough space here. I think I would be wiser to consider some of the behavior that I find more salacious and dubious from the point of view of a pre-teen and also from the point of view of the parent of that pre-teen when they hear what their child has been exposed to. Sadly, I think what I HAVE been exposed to online has made me even LESS social and LESS interested in people, not more. But then a lot of this behavior from some of my contacts was already 'peeking through the cracks' in real life so maybe I should consider myself lucky that I only experience it, now, in a more 'controlled' environment...or maybe I should not have added these contacts in the first place. :(
Do I look the part? Johnny Come Lately? Is there a sign taped to my back that I do not know about: HARASS AT WILL? Sometimes it seems to me that I am attracting every 'worst' character trait in people that I have ever encountered in all of the people I have met. Sadly I was, perhaps, näive enough to think I would not encounter these traits or people ever again...and 'en masse'.
For the moment, it would seem that my waning interest is only met by increased interest by my counterparts, although the interest comes in mixed forms: either too INDIRECT for me to comprehend or far TOO direct for me to accept lightly. Well, part of this is just what happens when people shift from neutral or idle to ACTIVE: WARNING, MAY CAUSE DAMAGE TO YOUR SANITY...and I usually give the fanfare and confetti a chance to settle before responding. But when is too much, TOO much? Or MUCH too MUCH? My friend Mich will like that phrase. Isn't all of this supposed to be fun? Well, that is up to the people who are communicating, isn't it? And did someone say, "Out of sync?" What to do, what to do...who can say?
When I am online and responding to people a lot of it is spontaneous; I would prefer not to let messages pile up in any inbox. That is the practical side of me. But I have also noticed that this immediate response technique, which I learned in my own culture, is not always respected in the way I am used to. Some people become VERY demanding and expect this instant gratification to their enquiries ALL THE TIME. Then the "meltdown, communication breakdown, grudge" ensues, sometimes even in combination. ;-) Even if these people do not tell me, I sense it. But how am I supposed to meets everyone's need to be gratified...and my own. Well, it IS impossible, really, and realistically it should not be expected of anyone.
Others ignore the response, altogether, and I sometimes take their demands for information as if I owed them information and they got what they were after and that was that. Well, I am human, too. I never saw 'accueil' written on my forehead nor did I knowingly 'offer' myself as someone who serves others. But maybe what I do NOT know is I am the only person who DOES respond to these people consistently and, thus, they often turn to me because they know that I am reliable. Of course, they do not consider offering me the same luxury. Wouldn't it be marvelous if ALL of our needs, demands and requests were met by ONE reliable, go-to person. think about it...
Overall, I find that all of this depersonalizes the experience of keeping in touch and many of these online 'relationships' only evolve to a certain point.
True communication is an art but for some people it is a commodity, "Let's see if I can get so-and-so to reply to this." "Let's see what happens if I say this." Manipulation? From my point of view, yes. Ask yourself, "If this person was face-to-face with me, would we be having an actual conversation in the same way we write online?" "Would our communication always be one-sided, impersonal, nosy, gossipy...mean?" "Would I ask the same questions, or would I be too embarrassed?" "How would I really respond to what I just read if this person was standing in front of me?" And, then, the mind does a strange thing, for some people. It rationalizes. Often mistakenly. "It's no big deal." "Why am I analyzing this so much?" "Why doesn't she/he just hit delete if there is a problem with our communication?" "Why is this person not writing/responding to me anymore?"
The list goes on and we all know what seems right and what does not seem right, for each of us but we do not necessarily know what seems right or not right to the other person nor can we always adapt to it. For example, the endless stream I have gotten over the years of, "Sorry I have not written in a while..." Well, I think that the person who is really sorry writes. Point. They do not write their excuses for not writing...in my case, maybe I did not even notice it had been a while. There are a lot of people I do not see frequently so writing alone, viewed by me, is a bonus! Just write. Give the person you are writing to a limited response timeframe and you will have an idea of how to manage your writing relationship with them.
So much to learn and adapt to in the 'instant' information age.
Too introspective? All in my imagination? "Really. A blog about communication on Facebook and MySpace?" Why not? It beats self-destruction. I think this was just my way of telling myself that it is time for change...
What more can I say but: LOL
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